Woeful Tales of Dating

This pic has nothing to do with the post, but instead is just to give you a taste of why I moved out here. I actually took this myself, so thanks for the compliments, jackholes.


So to the story we go:

A couple years ago, I think 4, (if my alcohol-impaired memory is worth a damn), which is actually more than a couple, actually it's a couple times two... Um, let me start again.

About four years ago, I was dating a girl named An----, hereinafter referred to as A. Anyhow, she was a nice girl - blonde, cute face, LOVED sex (a bonus in any book, fo' sho'!) and basically was an ok girl. She was an "older woman," being 30, I think, and definitely wanted to find herself a marrying man. She was also, um, "pleasantly plump." I mean, she was no fat girl, but she was kinda pear shaped, if ya catch my drift. And she was SOO proud of her tig ol' bitties, but they were actually B-A-N-A-N-A-S, and they were the floppiest damn things... no fun at all. But I digress.

First date, I show up and she tells me:
1) Her cat must like me because he's blessed me with a display of the old brown eye. Her words, not mine, seriously.
2) That she is often gassy because she's a vegetarian.

So those two items combined create red flag (or brown, as the case may be) number one.

Now, I am ALL ABOUT being comfortable around your significant other, and I mean that physically and emotionally. But honestly, d'ya think that's apropo for a first date? Methinks not.

Our second date:
'Twas around her birthday. Despite my promise to myself to take it easy (I'm notorious for going overboard and spending too much money too early), I decided to take her to Don's Pomeroy House for dinner. Now, it was mid-week, and I realized I may have underestimated the effect that growing up in Akron may have had on her, but honestly, I did not expect her to open the door wearing fishnets (I'm not kidding) and have 80s-style crimped hair. She asked me, in all sincerity and genuineness, if I liked it. I didn't respond, but instead asked "So are you ready to go? Where's your coat?" (Thank God it was cold outside - at least I could keep that nastyness somewhat under cover.)

Keep in mind this was the year 2001 or thereabouts. I was beyond mortified, but what the hell was I going to do, ruin her birthday? At some point during the course of the meal, she proceeds to tell me that another reason she doesn't eat meat is because it ferments in your stomach. A fact I'd be willing to concede, but her additional reasoning was that it created too much gas. Given her statement from date number one, I couldn't figure out exactly how this girl planned to find any nutritional sustenance.

This is clearly red/brown flag number two.

Fast foward a while... maybe 2 months. We have a romp in the hay, which she nearly ruined for me because she insisted on screaming during the whole routine. And I don't mean breathy, sexy, semi-loud moaning, but actually SCREAMING. I was totally distracted and could hardly finish the deed. Really, REALLY annoying!!!!!!!!! And seriously girls, I know I'm good, but I'm no fool, I'm not that good. So if you start screaming, I'm assuming that either 1) I'm hurting you (an instant boner-deflator) or 2) There's a stranger in the room about to stab both of us. Just don't do it!

So anyhow, we finally wrap up, and she gets her nasty cottage-cheese, banana-boobed bod out of bed to go pee. Just after she closes the bathroom door, I hear it open. She says "Hey sweetie, I got a surprise for you!" She sticks that same fatass out the door and lets rip a gigantic gas bomb. No, not kidding. Yes, disgusting. She is, forevermore, The Farter.

Things went rapidly down hill after that, and though I hold no ill will toward her whatsoever, sincerely, I do have to share one last thing. The day things finally ended, she called me up and told me blah blah blah I just don't think blah blah and words words nonsense hot air, and "I just think you have a lot of growing up to do!!!"

Wait - the girl who aims her ass at me and farts after sex tells me *I* have a lot of growing up to do? KEEE-RYST! And people ask me why I left Cleveland.

So - there's my first official blog entry worth a damn. Hope you enjoyed. As the mood strikes me, and especially once I can figure out how the hell to post pics, I'll add some more great dating experiences.

Some previews of things to come:
1) The one-night stand/semi-stalker
2) High school memories
3) The one I thought was "the one"

P.S. Send me some topics - I will gladly offer my view of them.

P.P.S. Tonight's post has been brought to you by my new love. Holy CRAP, how do you get a genepool like that?

Hope you all are well.